vagina date with my lady

I wear my purple bra when I take myself out on dates, never for anyone else. Ever. When I take myself out I value the time I spend with myself and I want to prove to myself that I wanna be in this relationship. It’s the most important one to me, I am my number one- I mean I’m kind of stuck with me forever so I might as well enjoy it. I have never worn my purple bra on dates with others because that would be disrespectful to myself and I love me too much for all that.

I have also never liked valentines day, it has always bothered me and made me feel icky and just “like ugh wtf, get that love shit out of here.” (maybe because i’m an aries with a capricorn moon and i don’t know how to handle my emotions, whoops) The idea of going on a date with someone on valentine's day of all days is bleh. And you know I haven’t been really excited about going out and now that I think about it, i’ve had a date every year for the last five years and they’ve been… ok. If you’ve taken me out, get over it, we’re not together anymore. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy them I just didn’t need to be on them, I didn’t feel anything that made me go “wow, this is love and we’re together now and wow.”

It’s hard to feel loved by someone else or even comprehend what love really feels like with someone else. It’s not an easy concept and for me it never was; I grew up with parents who fought with broomsticks and their screaming woke the dead on many occasions and it sucked. The fourteenth of February was their anniversary and I could not have despised anything more. Maybe that’s why I don’t like valentines day and have a really hard time being in relationships with other people because I’m still afraid. Ha, too real mo, go home.

For me, it’s been a really long and rough journey to get to a place where I feel loved by myself and feeling exotic in my skin  and am absolutely enamored with myself. Especially around a Hallmark holiday designed for couples, instant drag and not everyone wants anti-valentines or galentines. Sometimes I wanna look cute as fuck and go eat some nice ass food with someone, like damn. It’s taken me a long time to get where I am. The past three years in particular have been the hardest of my journey.

I spent a fuck ton of time falling in and out of love with the mo that is me. Learning how to cook, teaching myself how to be alone and enjoying my time that way; this was one of my biggest tools in learning how to truly appreciate the time I spent with myself. I had to occupy my time and try new things even if they were scary. I started going to movies because I could sit in the dark and no one would know I was alone. I would pop in for an ice cream cone at nine o’clock at night and eat it on the walk home with headphones in and cry because that’s what I needed. I had to tell myself that all of those things were ok and that my love is a valid and wonderful love. Treating myself like another person for a bit, like two mo’s and sometimes I got to be the brave one taking the timid self out and vice versa and it was crazy but so cool. I taught myself how to live within my strengths and my weakness’ at the exact same time without realizing what I was doing most of the time. And then I gathered these wonderful pieces I had found and created and collected and started to bring them together. And most importantly, realizing that they’re the same fucking person. Mind blowing, I know. Tell your friends.

I have spent year after year trying to become a part of the perfect Valentine's Day IT couple everyone loves to talk about on Instagram. But I of all people know that perfect is a social construct and isn’t real because human beings exist in their own capacity and experiences and everything we love and do is valid because it’s ours. Whoo, that was a lot to get out. In this last year I started taking myself more seriously; making lists of what I wanted, deserved and needed and listening to them and myself. After New Year’s I vowed not to have sex with anyone I could not see myself getting into a relationship with and finding love with because I’m done playing games but I’m into cute shit and role play. I vowed to only go on dates with people I feel connected to and if I’m on a date or seeing someone I don’t feel anything with then I am honest with them about it so we can both move forward. I vowed to go on more dates with myself than last year and more honesty within myself and with my many relationships. I know what I fucking want and made a promise to myself that I’m gonna get it because I deserve it.

And I’m gonna start with a vagina date with my lady friend. Not that kind of lady friend.

Months ago now, my roommate and good friend, Gillian and I had the idea to take each other on a date this valentines and I was skeptical but on board. Two friends taking each other out to celebrate ourselves and our lives and our friendship. It was a passing thought that snowballed into what will probably be one of the greatest occurrences in our living history. We scoured the internet for the perfect place and what we’d wear and have been talking about it more and more. Shit, I even wrote a whole fucking essay. A week away and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be celebrating love with than them. I have been on a lot of dates (a lot) and I’ve been on many wonderful friend dates but this, this is going to be my first to the nines, here for a good time, fancy as fuck, saved half my check for this - friend date.

I have my blazer pressed and ready to go, heels on point (literally) and lipstick has been picked out and is just waiting to be worn. This look is going to kill the eyes of those who dare to look upon me and the kicker? My purple bra will be with me the whole night. But mo, on a date with someone else? Yes!

Gillian is one of the few human beings I have allowed myself to become vulnerable and real with; we are always talking and in communication. We catch-up with one another, we have boundaries and we work well together. They, without purpose, have pushed me to become more of myself in a healthy way that makes me proud of the woman I am today and continue to become. They have pulled out the parts of myself that I felt ashamed of, that I didn’t want people to see. These pieces that I believed to be wicked and you know something? They are. And that’s just fine. I have embraced so much of myself and now we are walking in a vibration and that’s who I am: a vibrational wave of everything inside of my body. I don’t know how I would’ve evolved without Gillian and having them in my life is a blessing all it’s own. This is going to be my first fancy schmancy friend date and I will be wearing my purple bra and I will be celebrating myself and my friendship and the love that resonates from others like us. I’m going to do it for me and in good company; that’s what valentine's day should be about. Simply, love.

Mo, what is this love you speak of? How can y’all be friends if you’re in love with Gillian? It’s a platonic, wonderful love and it makes me feel safe and happy. This kind of love I feel is necessary for every person. We all need someone we can be ourselves around completely and in whole. I think we can feel this with a romantic partner and I want to, I really want the things I have in my friendship with Gillian because it feels real and who doesn’t want that?

Gillian and I are roommates, friends and most importantly… heartmates. There is no other way I would want to spend this valentine's day then with this wonderful human being and our mutual love for getting ready to go out and charcuterie boards. What I know now is that the kind of love I have for myself I can have with another person and we don’t have to be dating. We can be friends, roommates or heartmates. What matters is that we both feel loved and cared for and safe in a relationship like this and that we feel equal and confident and supported. We deserve to be happy and with someone that brings us happiness and makes us laugh and shows us new things. Being scared and afraid and hurt and communicating these things and working through them are part of that too. This is what love is, this is what love should be and we all deserve to have that in some form and capacity.

So, here’s to me and my bra, Gillian and their sweet self and to you and whatever the fuck you’re doing on the fourteenth. Get crazy, get loved and get schwifty my friends. Purple bra and all.