the Lazy Bitches Guide to Rough Sex
Ha, just kidding, I actually did quite a lot of sweating during and if we’d gotten it taped I would submit it to be added as an Olympic sport. I can truly say it was the best sex I’ve had in a long time and I didn’t even have to take my sweatpants off. Yes, really.
by mo Santiago
mo, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, let me tell you, it was lots of bumpin’ and grindin’ which was great but also odd. It was all the normal acts of having our clothes off but we just kept them on. I still felt good about it and all that hot and sweaty shit too but I was like, “did we just have sex?” And my thoughts were valid because I hadn’t done anything like that before and no one was telling me yay or nay and I’m very easily confused. Let’s all just be honest for a moment, no one is really out here saying “yeah anything can be sex” and we’re not all out here like “yeah, I concur.” Why? Because no one else casually says “I concur” as often or at all like I do. But really, it’s because we as human beings have a difficult time being on the same page about things. And by difficult I mean we all have a different matter of opinion and all feel some type of way of things in life. So mo, where the fuck do you think you found some sort of clarity? Well let me tell you, I was reading Slutever by Karley Sciortino and she talked about how sex can be a lot of things and isn’t always a dick in a vagina. It’s expansive and it’s encounters that don’t look or sound like what we’ve been told sex is and I was like YEAH THAT!
Now for those of you who are looking at me crazy, you’re right to do so because I’m frickin’ bats but that’s for another day. Let me start here: sex has been historically defined as dick in vagina and we’ll call this classic penetration (even though there’s nothing classy about it.) Anything outside of that has been deemed other stuff or doesn’t count. Perspective: someone has been letting straight, white guys write history so we should take everything we read with a grain of salt. Like according to Jeff, it didn’t happen if dude didn’t “hit a home run.” Let’s do us all a favor and throw that shit right out the window, go ahead, do it. White male perspective? boy bye.
I know that not only my opinion matters, so I went ahead and I started asking my friends what they thought. Because who better to approach with sex questions than my friends? I mean I feel like y’all have really come at me over the past couple years with all your inquisitions so I feel fair in asking this once. They were pretty cool about it, really open honestly which made for an easy conversation which we all love but it’s ok if it’s not easy because some things are difficult, that’s life. One of my favorite gals, Krystal and I got to chatting about my sweatpant session and that inspired a few things. Most importantly, sex is not cumming, let’s just get that out of the way. Just because you or your partner doesn’t finish doesn’t mean that you didn’t have sex. A lot of people don’t orgasm, especially off classic penetration alone. I can’t and I'm ok with that, my vagina and my body have never let me down just cus’ we haven’t finished with a penis. I mean, ya know, I’m done with you but, you get it. Anyway, Krystal told me sometimes it’s just a few in and outs and then some cuddling and on the flipside there’s been a “hand around my neck and a finger in my bootyhole.” Both equally intimate and even though they fit into the category of the classic penetration conversation that doesn't mean they weren’t sex.
Where we get off… ha… on telling people what their experiences are and how they get to know those moments is really skewed and fucked up. Intimacy is personal and private and here we are as a society shoving our ideas into other people's lives and calling it truth. Invalidating other people's feelings and not only how they get it on, but how it connects them to another person.
Intimacy is a “to each their own” kind of thing, again, it’s personal and bonding; it connects us as people and it’s between one person and another. What inspires your intimacy, how you get intimate and with whom is entirely up to you. Intimacy is a closeness, a familiarity you find in another person and within yourself and the moments you create everyday. Especially during sex. In our sexual society though, we’ve kind of pushed it to the side and some people have forgotten to tend to their own intimacy.
Sex has sort of become a game and you’re just going through these motions that you think other people are doing and at some point you’re like “why am I here?” There are a lot of things happening in our sexual communities and lots of those things really bother me. A particular agitation of mine, and this is something I’ve seen amongst my friends, is that if we find out someone is doing something then you should probably be doing it too, right? No! You should never do something just because other people are, um hello, the cliff? You gonna go jumping just cus’ Jeff is doing it? No thank you. White people leading us to our deaths? Been there, done with that. Here’s an example just in case you haven’t been following along: personally, I like being choked, I do and I’ve heard some friends say they’ve tried it and don’t like it. Here’s where I start to get upset: if their partner enjoys choking them, they just roll with it. That is not ok, that is not ok, that is so so so not ok. When you don’t tell someone how you feel about something during sex you disconnect and you break the intimacy, you crack a moment. Then later on, you burst and there could be a fight and there is a sadness to lost intimacy from lack of communication.
Before you are able to solidify intimacy- personal opinion -you should build your trust and communication with another person. If you’re having sex with someone, you should trust them enough and you should feel like you can tell them things you like and don’t like during sex. You should feel comfortable and safe and feel like you can communicate with them. Don’t play games with your sexual experiences (unless we’re talkin’ foreplay, then bring it on baby) and don’t play games with your partners. Yes, there are the kinky and the freaks who actually play games but there is an intimacy between those partners. In the BDSM community, specifically between a Dom and a submissive, things have to be based off of trust, communication and honesty. Oh, you mean all the stuff a relationship should be based off of? Yes, get your shit together.
“Real quick, a relationship is a connection between people. Not just people who are partners.”
To begin, again, let me compare sluts to poets through a quote from Scio"rtino, “the point I’m trying to make is that sexuality is about intimacy, not intercourse.” Now you ever heard “the point is not the point, the point is the poetry”?
Yes! Poets are sluts! No but really, you can’t make the point of sex penetration because then you miss all the other stuff. Sex is so intimate whether people like to say so or not. No matter the experience you’ll feel some type of way after sex and that’s because you’re gettin’ to know someone physically, naked or not.
So many human beings have been excluded from the sex game because they don’t fit into some randoms designated boxes but we’re well past being put into boxes my friends. Like if we weren’t naked and he wasn’t hard for the three minutes he could last then it didn’t really happen. BUT WAIT how many times has that happened and a vagina has been left dissatisfied and unsatiated? Too often you say? Well, well, well maybe we need to take a step back and think about how we describe sex and what it looks like. As Krystal said, “different strokes for different folks. Emphasis on the strokes.”
mo, what about other stuff? Like oral and hand jobs? That’s sex too, I mean, think of it this way: sex is the title of the book you’re reading and you get to a chapter on oral that has a subchapter on cunnilingus. It’s all a part of the big O.
Classic penetration also excludes people who aren’t doing that and people who can’t get intimate that way. We live in a whole wide world of people with physical disabilities that have limitations to what they can do. Does that stop them from getting freaky? Absolutely not. They have sex differently and it works for them. In her book, Sciortino interviews people after fishing through chat rooms and it’s there she met Sarah who was able to put some things into perspective. Sarah had a rare form of dwarfism, was quadriplegic, lived on a ventilator and could only use a mouse so she lived her life online. Sarah lost her virginity in the virtual world where she also discovered what her kinks and desires were, outside of the virtual world it wouldn’t have happened.
Her sexuality and experiences are her own and she discovered them and had them in a way that worked for her and felt good for her. And simply, that’s what sex really is; making it work for you and finding out what you like and exploring your sexuality.
Out in the real world you have people who just aren’t into dick and rightly so if I might add, and I will. Penis still has a lot to prove- sips coffee- a lot. The LGBTQ community is a prime example of excluded human beings. Primarily from the human being part in the eyes of the government. “The traditional definition of sex also conflates being a man with having a penis and being a woman with having a vagina, but hello, it’s 2018- we are now casually enlightened enough to know that not all women have vaginas.” (Sciortino) Obviously it’s 2020 for the twats in the back who want to huff and puff about it and guess what? We’re more than casually aware at this point.
I’ve had sex with one woman and honestly, I don’t remember it well. I was young and I hadn’t had sex before - yes a woman has my virginity and I love saying that. Stop acting surprised. Anyway, we were both young and we had no fucking clue what was going on. She asked me if I wanted to try this or do that and we took it real slow. You know, I think I was wearing a sweatshirt the whole time? My intimacy is linked to my comfortability, as it should be. There were lots of hands places and afterwards she was like “cool, now we can tell people we had sex.” Again, I was like “we just- that was- yeah? ok, cool.” when I tell people about it they act all shocked like “oh, you’ve been with a woman? Like, sex?” Yes, it was sex. We had sex. Fumbly, weird, young people gettin’ it on for the first time sex but sex nonetheless. Here’s what’s always bothered me, people get really confused and they question my experience and invade my intimacy to validate their own beliefs. If I said I hooked up with some dude it would be a done deal, it would be assumed he fucked me and then we’d move on. Simple! Right? No.
Here’s another thing that really bugs me: we are still having the hookup conversation and in a place where lots of stuff is “oh so did he fuck you?”
If sex was only ever putting a penis into a vagina then people need to start doing so correctly and a lot of guys owe me a redo. Yeah you heard me, I want a redo and I want you to do me right this time. Penetration has been so casual and limped over the years that it has become socially ok to be inside of someone and kind of choke them and then call it a day.
Speaking of choking people, let’s get back to our favorite submissives who are loyal day in and day out. Yes, yes, those people you pretend don’t exist because you’re secretly into it and kinda want someone to boss you around. Or, you want to do the bossing around, I see you. The Dominatrix and the submissive, the BDSM community, the kinky and their kinks, oh how they have the best sex and ninety percent of the time aren’t even touching one another. Yes, yes, they’re real and they exist and we love them oh how we love them so. This is where I found my validation, this is really where I felt comfortable taking sex out of the box and realized that it is so much more.
People are so quick to judge and so quick to invalidate another person because of their personal bias and simply because they do not know something or have experience with it. Basically, human beings are lazy and bitchy.
In her book, Sciortino really sums it up:
“If, as a society, we have been able to detach sex from its biblical purpose of procreation to redefine it as an activity between people that’s done for sexual pleasure, then why does someone need to stick a dick into a vagina for “sex” to be considered sex?”
We could’ve started with that but then you would’ve missed all this other stuff. Gotcha, sucker.
There were a lot of times during sweat pant sex where I thought “does this count? Is this real?” It was a very confusing experience and it sort of still is but in hindsight it was done with more intent than classic penetration. There wasn’t any of that fumbling to take our clothes off, the awkward who is gonna take what off. Most importantly, this is an experience I masturbate to that brings me pleasure outside of being with that person. That was some of the best sex I’ve ever had and I still think about it and I probably will for a long time. This sex was passionate, intense and truly intimate and it made me feel good, it made me feel so alive afterwards. So yes, it was sex.
I believe that you can have sex without having to strip down to your toes or be inside of someone; I believe sex should be about inspiring intimacy, creating fun and safe experiences, and enjoying yourself. You can’t put sex into a box because it doesn’t fit there, it doesn’t want to. You cannot confine intimacy and you cannot put sex into a box, say it with me now, so the universe can hear:
You cannot confine intimacy and you cannot put sex into a box.
You cannot confine intimacy and you cannot put sex into a box.
You cannot confine intimacy and you cannot put sex into a box.