Non-Monogamy is Free!
As in freer feeling, free to be you and of course doesn’t cost you anything except maybe a learning experience or two and who doesn’t love to learn new shit? Those afraid of and uncomfortable with growth. You’ve been there, I’ve been there, anyway, small jab, moving on. But really, non-monogamy has taught me a lot about myself, relationships and other people. It’s a constant learning curve and I roll with it because although growth is uncomfortable, it’s necessary to advance you into the person you will become, the better version of yourself.
“IT’S MY HEARTBREAK” by mo Santiago
I will say, as a non-monogamous person when seeing my friends and family get into relationships that just work and they’re happy brings up some jealousy and sadness. I should note that not all monogamous relationships turn out fine and dandy or are just because they look so on the outside. As a non-monogamous person I’ve had quite a time with partners and dating and just feeling burnt out and a lot of that comes from feeling like I’m being tested on. I mean, everyone wants to feel “free” in their relationship and in their personal lives so why not try it out with mo? I’m loose and open and this is my normal so in their minds it’s an ok place for them to experiment. No, no thank you. My life is a not an emotional lab for you to come and play around in, I’m a fucking human being with feelings like damn.
Yes, it is ok to experiment in your personal lives and relationships but only if you’re openly and honestly communicating with those you’re doing it with. You can’t just conduct experiments unknowingly on a person, that's super illegal and you will go to jail.
“As a non-monogamous person I’ve had quite a time with partners and dating and just feeling burnt out and a lot of that comes from feeling like I’m being tested on.”
Besides not wanting to be some Scorpio’s Spring Fling Experiment, there are a ton of things that my friends and community have said about non-monogamy and even to my face that have been really hurtful and just plain wrong. I’ll set the record straight here: polyamorous folks and the umbrella of non-monogamy is not a chance for one to ‘have it all.’ We do not get whatever we want and our lives are not easier than our monogamous counterparts. If anything, we have to work a little harder to communicate, learn about and to build trusting, honest and safe relationships with our partner/s.
A major misconception and an honestly really offensive thing people have said to me and think about the non-monogamous community is that we’re out here cheating the system. Yes, people have said that to my face and then laughed about it like it was fine. No, we do not cheat the system because the whole point of non-monogamy is not to cheat. We pride ourselves in taking those extra steps and working a bit harder to communicate about what and who we want with our partner/s.
Every step I take with my partners has to be an honest conversation and not just with them, but with myself. I have to take time to really think about what I want, don’t want and same with what I’m open and not open to. Just like a monogamous relationship? How crazy!
Now if you think that non-monogamy sounds hard, you’re right. And it’s thanks to these challenges that have provided me some of the best experiences of my life and that’s acknowledging the good and the bad. Since you’re probably human and your brain is like, bad experiences are good for you? Explain!
I came out to my first love what seems like years ago in my first year of college as polyamorous and it was horrible on both of our parts. I sorta made it apparent I wanted to move away from monogamy by showing him a paper I’d written for school and he wanted me to choose between him or my sexuality. Neither of us really understood the other and we didn’t go about the rest of that conversation or our relationship very well. I can say now, I think it was the kick starter to a lot of turmoil in our relationship. We were childish, we felt fresh and new and all of a sudden I was growing and changing and to both of our credits, we didn’t really understand polyamory or have people we could look up to or talk to about it. We were lost and so we broke.
That first experience and even that paper pushed me to be open about wanting to explore polyamory and later non-monogamy. It pushed me out of a relationship that I didn’t feel like I could grow in and if I felt like I couldn’t grow then it wasn’t fair to me or to my partner. You could say, that paper, my coming out of sorts, pushed both of us in the opposite direction of one another and on the path that we really needed to be on. Did it suck? Yes! And I do wish I could go back and say “Hey! Let me explain it better and let’s talk about it like adults.” The problem with that, I didn’t know everything I know now and I wasn’t really an adult nor did I know how to have adult conversations.
And that’s ok! We can’t have conversations and have answers about things we don’t know or haven’t experienced yet even though the president seems to only talk about things he actually has no knowledge on. Anyway, everything is a learning process and when I was eighteen, I didn’t know much about myself or my sexuality.
At twenty three, I would like to say I know much more and confidently so if I might and will add. I’ve had time and that’s all one can have besides experience and honestly, you can’t have one without the other. Our experiences happen to us at different moments in our lives, certain times when we find ourselves in a place or with a person. And I must note, just because you experience Thing A when you were eighteen, doesn’t mean your friend experienced it then too. Maybe it happened to them at seventeen or won’t happen until they’re thirty or maybe it will never happen to them ever and that’s ok! This is your life and that’s their life. I digress, back to what I mean by free.
“And that’s ok! We can’t have conversations and have answers about things we don’t know or haven’t experienced yet…”
Shan Boodram described her relationships as a ‘free’ one where her and her husband find themselves in phases of monogamy, monogamish and that they spend time flirting with other people, and going on dates etc. The biggest hook for me was when Boodram said “it’s a free relationship because it’s up for negotiation. The ways we can be together go on and on and on.” That’s not saying they don’t have boundaries but acknowledging that we as human beings spend our whole lives changing and growing and that doesn’t stop when we meet someone and fall in love. We’re always gonna grow and how we feel emotionally and sexually isn’t gonna stay stagnant once we get into a relationship. If anything, our relationship makes our wants and needs change even faster since we’re getting to know someone and thinking about what our lives could be like with them.
Shameless plug, I am so, so, so interested in a free relationship and for all the above reasons. Again, humans are growing and changing and learning daily about themselves and about others. I know I am and I know that I am always looking to try something and someone (or someone’s) new because I like to explore and experience. I am simply a creature of this earth.
Resources:
Shan Boodram is the Internet’s most sought-after, certified sex educator, dating coach and relationship expert with over 40 million YouTube views alongside her mainstream coverage across all the major TV networks, The New York Times, Forbes and Time Magazine. Boodram is a bestselling author and the host of a new daily show on Quibi, Sexology with Shan Boodram.
Boodram can be found on the internet and on Instagram.
Here are some of my favorite reads and watches on non-monogamy, including the first ever video I watched on Polyamory.
Beyond ‘The One’: Exploring Modern Polyamory
The Ethical Slut, 2nd Edition (PDF Download)
Polyamory and Non-Monogamy Didn’t Work For Me, and That’s Okay