a short & tender essay
It’s no secret that I’m non-monogamous and if this is news to you, surprise! You’re late to the party. I love having conversations with friends and strangers and even my family about my love life and their love lives. One thing I don’t think people really know about me is that I respect and admire monogamy greatly. I think it’s a beautiful form of an intimate and romantic relationship between two people and committing to each other so profoundly.
self-portrait @motuesday
Something I love seeing are couples out in the wild holding hands, my best friend and their partner cooking dinner together, my stepdad wrapped around my mother dancing in my cousin’s backyard at the family party sneaking kisses. It’s good, healthy love that fills me up.
I used to feel bad that I “wasn’t good at monogamy” or that I couldn’t just “choose one person” and for a long time I would beat myself up about it. I thought those things until it almost broke me. Until it became part of my personality to snuff out my natural desire for non-monogamous relationships, to pretend to be monogamous.
“It’s good, healthy love that fills me up.”
Something that has always baffled me was in past relationships partners would continually ask “if it can just be us a little while longer.” Over and over and over again until it was months later and I would say “if you want me to be monogamous, that’s not who I am.” They always replied with “no, no, not at all, I just like it just us.” My relationships would get dragged out for months and I think as long as they could pretend that I was who they wanted me to be, things were fine for them. This completely disregarded my feelings and wants and needs until I became some mangled version of myself, someone they decided was ugly. Then they left me to undo all the knots and figure out who mo was again.
This may sound like lots of opportunity for growth for some and don’t think there weren’t lots of other factors that went into the ending of those relationships. But here was one of the most dangerous and harmful things that I experienced while dating the past few years.
No one should ever ask you to change for them and you shouldn’t, Do I think relationships need compromise? Yes. But don’t give up your beliefs, love and values for it. Don’t lose yourself in the life someone else wants you to have with them. Not directly asking me to be monogamous always sent me into a spiral and I know this because my roommate has always told me “you’re a different person in a relationship.” I always want the cheesy things like marriage and a house but I try to want it on my partners terms so I might one day, find some safety and build a home with them.
“Non-monogamy is a learning process! I will never be done figuring out how to be me or how to be a better partner and that’s really beautiful.”
I’ve always wanted that, always wanted to settle in with someone I love. I’m not saying kids and a house, no, something our own. A space we love, life we love, unrestricted and unhindered. That person or persons I have yet to find.
Being comfortable as a non-monogamous person took years to develop. To be confident today has taken that time and a lot of healing and growth and learning. Non-monogamy is a learning process! I will never be done figuring out how to be me or how to be a better partner and that’s really beautiful. Right now, I’m very happy and although a relationship is what I crave, I know waiting for someone who holds the same values as me, who wants to love me as I am and wouldn’t ask me to change my love style for them will be worth the wait.